And Hilarity Ensued: Ayn Rand’s Objectivism, Meet Harry Potter

Harry Potter images In an exceptional post titled “Ayn Rand’s Harry
Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone,” Toast author Mallory Ortberg
produced a mashup of the Randian philosophy of Atlas
Shrugged and the wizarding world of the first Harry
Potter novel.

The results, called “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s
Objectivism” in accompanying art,
were undeniably hilarious:

“You’re a wizard, Harry,” Hagrid said. “And you’re coming to
Hogwarts.”

“What’s Hogwarts?” Harry asked.

“It’s wizard school.”

“It’s not a public school, is it?”

“No, it’s privately run.”

“Good. Then I accept. Children are not the property of the
state; everyone who wishes to do so has the right to offer
educational goods or services at a fair market rate. Let us leave
at once.”

Ortberg casts Harry as the all-knowing John Galt-esque
Objectivist hero, while Ron plays the part of the whiny,
socialist-inclined naysayer:

“Malfoy bought the whole team brand-new Nimbus Cleansweeps!” Ron
said, like a poor person. “That’s not fair!”

“Everything that is possible is fair,” Harry reminded him
gently. “If he is able to purchase better equipment, that is his
right as an individual. How is Draco’s superior purchasing ability
qualitatively different from my superior Snitch-catching
ability?”

“I guess it isn’t,” Ron said crossly.

Harry laughed, cool and remote, like if a mountain were to
laugh. “Someday you’ll understand, Ron.”

Best of all: Harry doesn’t care to linger over sentimental
images of his deceased parents—a stance that is confusing to Ron
but not to devotees of Rand: