Welcome back to the Reason Weekly Contest! This week’s question is:
Donald Trump’s campaign manager was once arrested for walking into a Congressman’s office with a loaded gun. He claimed he’d gotten his bags mixed up. Come up with a headline announcing the next surprising bit of gossip from the Trump campaign.
How to enter: Submissions should be e-mailed to contest@reason.com. Please include your name, city, and state. This week, kindly type “TRUMP” in the subject line. Entries are due by 11 p.m. Eastern Time, Tuesday, April 5. Winners will appear on April 8. In the case of identical or similar entries, the first one received gets credit. First prize is a one-year digital subscription to Reason magazine, plus bragging rights. While we appreciate kibbitzing in the comments below, you must email your answer to enter the contest. Feel free to enter more than once, and good luck!
And now for the results of last week’s contest: After Emory students demanded Pres. James Wagner respond to their pain and trauma upon seeing the words “Trump 2016” chalked around campus, we asked you to compose the first line of what the president’s letter should have said.
THE WINNER:
Today’s student protest was sponsored by the letter “T.” — Michael Lane, Jefferson City, MO
SECOND PLACE:
Think about my pain and trauma upon seeing the sort of students we accepted! —David Edmondson, Washington, D.C.
THIRD PLACE: Students, your feelings say more than the First Amendment ever could. — David Browne, Exeter, UK
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
We’ll build a wall around campus to keep you safe. – Bruce, Los Angeles, CA
Dear Students, There will be no more Hop Scotch drawn with chalk on sidewalks—it is a trigger for children of alcoholics. — Joyce Farrell, Wautoma, WI
Yesterday, March 21, 2016—a date which will live in infamy—the students and teachers of Emory University were suddenly and deliberately attacked by the chalk forces of the Empire of Trump. — Jay Cornell, San Francisco, CA
I did it, bitches! — Richard Bradley, Fredericksburg, VA
Dear Students, I know that the phrase “Trump 2016” can be triggering to many of you, making the recent incident during which not only was the phrase “Trump 2016” was scrawled on sidewalks, but also that same phrase was scrawled on many exterior walls, causing any literate person walking by to be exposed to “Trump 2016,” without any warning. For these reasons I am writing to invite you all to the opening of the new Trump 2016 Incident Resource Center. —Simon Spero, Durham, NC
Hush little babies don’t say a word, your hero Bernie is also absurd. And if you’d like to overreact, think about Hillary’s vote on Iraq. — Tim, Mahwah, NJ
Effective immediately, all conservative or Republican sidewalk messages must be written in RED chalk, and all liberal or Democratic messages in BLUE chalk. All students will be issued glasses, RED for those offended by conservative messages, BLUE for those offended by liberal messages. The two known libertarians on campus will get clear glasses, and students hopelessly oppressed by everything will get opaque glasses and seeing eye dogs. — Aaron Brown, New York, NY
Get your candy asses back in class. — Marty Long, Greenwood Village, CO
Would every offended student please take a turn standing up and listing my faults as the head of the university and as a human being so I can try to improve upon both? – J.
There are millions of people in this country who do not agree with you. Get used to it. — Dan Langdon, Manteca, CA
Your complaint has been noted and will be given all the attention that it warrants. — Mandy, Ithaca, NY
Concerned students of Emory, I believe you should be aware that I’m a yuge Trump fan and just donated $2,000 to his campaign. – Mark
The entire Admissions Office has been fired for cause. — Steve Eschenbacher, Polson, MT
I surrender. — John Barlow, Houston, TX
Trump 2016! — Colin Blake, Boston, MA
AND FROM THE COMMENTS:
“I wish I could give each and every one of you the biggest hug in the whole wide world.”
“Here’s a pacifier and some warm milk., then have your RA read you ‘Goodnight Moon’ and try to get some sleep.”
“These are the times that try persxns’ non-denominational spirits…”
“You may not be college material.”
“This is why we need common sense chalk laws and chalk-free zones.”
“Pale, vegan, and trembling is no way to go through life, son.”
“You’re all expelled.”
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