Feeling poor? Cash-strapped? Can’t make payments on that Crackered-up pick-up truck? Jealous because you can’t make ‘funny money’ work for you! Don’t despair. You—yes, YOU—are wealthier than Jared the Eunuch.
I know it’s tough for you. I know a good night’s sleep in as rare as a sane Trump Tweet. You fret because you just cannot make ends meet. You try so hard to be a ‘playa’, but always come up short. You see soprano-voiced wimps like Jared the Eunuch living the high life, possibly sharing the carnal favors of a tall blonde strumpet with the POTUS himself, and all you’ve got is another 118 months of $369.72 per on that new F-150, and a 300 pound spouse with a cellulite-filled Cinnabun Butt. Sucks to be you. You’re so up against it you want to dip your Glock into a glass of Maker’s Mark and go meet the drink’s namesake. You can’t understand why that nerd can soar while you are so low you have to look up to see down. It’s hashtag UNFAIR in bold.
Don’t despair! All might be lost for you, but believe it or not it could be worse. As miserable and hopeless as things are for you—and don’t fool yourself into thinking they are not, because they are—it’s worse for Jared the Eunuch. He’s not only broke, he has a bigly negative net worth.
If you were on this site back when it was primarily finance-based, you are all too familiar with ‘funny money’, debt servicing, cash flow, and maybe even cap rates. If so, you’ll understand Jared’s dilemma. He might well be setting an unenviable record.
Records are made to be broken, or so it is said. Some records, however, are such outliers that they are likely to stand forever. Think Cy Young’s 511 wins. Wilt averaging 50 points a game for a season. George McGovern only winning Massachusetts and DC. Well, Jared The Thin Man(child) may set the mark for World’s Poorest Man.
How can that be, you ask? While the kid isn’t as nattily attired as new Communication’s Director, former Goldman Sachs salesman, and beneficiary of US Tax Law for Public Servants Anthony Scarabunga , and his coif is about as limp as his voice, he does seem to be flush. He does seem to be living high on the hog.
Well, folks, that is where reality can be deceiving. That is where cash flow can mask reality, where it’s Rich Man, Poor Man.
Proving that the youngster is as qualified in real estate as he is bringing peace to the Middle East, playing de facto Secretary of State, re-inventing government, and solving the opioid epidemic, Jared took his inheritance from his convicted felon dad and put it all on Baltic Ave while paying a Boardwalk price. Okay, maybe it is slightly fairer to say he put it all on Tennessee Avenue. Still, his return is going to be worse than the backers of Heaven’s Gate or Ishtar.
For his flagship property (whose flag would be a desecration on the Titanic or Andrea Doria), he played and paid for NYC real estate like he was a New Jersey dentist lining up to get in on Pets.com. He top ticked the market in 2007, paying $1.8 billion for 666 Fifth Ave. He put down $500 million of his father’s ill-gotten gains, and financed the other $1.3 billion, on which he has been paying interest only.
The building has a current estimated market value of $700-750 million. That means that not only was his entire equity wiped out, but he still owes almost twice what the place is worth. That sort of kick in the gonads could explain the octave of his voice.
Now I know the chant around here—at least with precious metals—is that “You haven’t lost if you haven’t sold”. While that is arguably just a feel-good delusion (Old Wall Street adage: A paper gain is a paper gain, but a paper loss is real money), it would not even satisfy in Jared’s case. It wouldn’t satisfy because cash flow will not allow him to service the existing debt.
The year 2018 is coming, and Jared’s Horoscope says, “Go fishing…in a country without an extradition treaty”. It is not shaping up to be a good year for the Fatboy’s Slim, who should have stuck with his Marcel Marceau impression rather than demonstrating why he might get a call from the Vienna Boys Choir or Barry Gibb. Back when real estate prices could only go up, which is to say when the proverbial unicorn was shitting Skittles, the boy’s financing included a $1 billion balloon payment due in 2018. Strumpetka better sell a lot of sweatshop-made fashion accessories!
(Aside: There is a certain irony in the rules AG Sessions introduced last week which grant enormous leeway to law enforcement in engaging in civil asset forfeiture, as according to the very rules Trump wanted, Jared could have all of his assets seized now, long before any indictment or conviction. Dot Gov could take all of the assets not under water and leave 666 Fifth Ave, and its debt, to the boy.)
The pressing need to refinance is why, perhaps, Jared has tried so hard to become the next Kim Philby by asking for his ‘back channel’ at the Russian Embassy. ‘I dindu nuffin’, as he said after his first Congressional hearing, is an excuse as thin as the boy himself. In essence, this is how Jared answered the questions put to him:
The emails from Donny, Jr.? “My dog ate them before I could read’em.”
The SF86 security clearance form? “My dog ate my Russian contacts.”
The financial disclosure form? “My dog ate my assets.”
He actually claimed ignorance, which is about the only believable thing he said. Of course, by claiming complete ignorance of how campaigns work, how government works, how Washington works, and how patriotism works, that doesn’t really recommend him for the portfolio the Bloated One has given him.
Jared’s got a bull’s eye on his peach-fuzzy face, and Robert Mueller has the rifle locked and loaded. That has to have him borrowing dad-in-law’s Depends, as nobody Trump is known for bravery or anything remotely approaching it. Cowardice—or bone spurs—are emblazoned on the family’s Fake Crest.
Proving, perhaps, that JK at least has a sense of humor, in his post-hearing statement he actually said:
“My experience was in business, not politics”
In other words, his ‘experience’ is in top-ticking a market and losing $1.1 billion. If that is his degree of expertise, all would be wise to bet against Middle East Peace, though admittedly that is always a good bet. By next year, save for a sudden inflow of cash from ‘an offshore entity’ or mysterious Russian buyer willing to pay 5x market price, he’ll be climbing the first rung of the six rung Trump Ladder of Bankruptcy. Maybe Mueller’s rifle is the lesser of two evils.
Don’t you all feel just a little bit better now?
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