Oregon Police: ‘Don’t Call 911 Just Because You Ran Out Of Toilet Paper’

In an almost hard to believe story which proves people are taking the “shit hit the fan” description of the current state of things way too literally, an Oregon police department had to warn people in a public announcement against calling 911 because they were out of toilet paper.

“It’s hard to believe that we even have to post this,” police in Newport, Oregon stated in an official Facebook message. “Do not call 9-1-1 just because you ran out of toilet paper. You will survive without our assistance.”

The national phenomena of panic-buying toilet paper is the one thing in all of this that makes least sense, unless perhaps given that markets are in nose-dive — and who knows if currencies could be next down the line — people are viewing TP as the next currency of the post-apocalypse, giving new meaning to ‘dirty money’. 

The Newport police statement urged people to “Be resourceful. Be patient. There is a TP shortage. This too shall pass. Just don’t call 9-1-1. We cannot bring you toilet paper.” And it went so far as to offer ideas as using grocery store receipts, torn magazine pages, cotton balls, and even corn cobs as apparently the Mayans and some among Colonial Americans did. 

“History offers many other options for you in your time of need if you cannot find a roll of your favorite soft, ultra plush two-ply citrus scented tissue,” the department wrote. 

The local police department posted the below after apparently receiving multiple 911 calls:

Meanwhile, it seems as much of the nation settles in for a possibly lengthy self-isolation mode, Facebook and other social media sites have been inundated by a deluge of toilet paper hording memes.

This is so much so that mainstream media has begun reporting on the accompanying meme craze, noting that their consistent message is: “Go urgently and buy toilet paper. Don’t worry how much you need, buy as much as you can.”

“Free roll of toilet paper with every entree,” Dirty Dick’s Crab House posted Saturday outside its restaurant in coastal Nags Head, North Carolina. https://t.co/8eaYvFHZCw

— WBTV News (@WBTV_News) March 15, 2020

Of course, given stores like HEB and Kroger have begun cutting back on hours, and as more cities declare states of emergencies, with San Francisco and the Bay area issuing a ‘shelter in place’ emergency on Monday, we could soon see a situation where the very places selling the valuable TP simply shut down.

Now in Western civilized societies you need three armed special police officers to protect toilet paper pic.twitter.com/NJ8rmqr2To

— Bassem (@BBassem7) March 16, 2020

And then those who didn’t stock up could be shit out of luck.