Reports of Four Loko’s Death Are Greatly Exaggerated. For Now.

You know how you sometimes read obituaries and the primary shock
comes from the fact that the person was still alive? That’s how I
felt when I saw this headline: 

Four Loko Alcoholic Energy Drink to Cease Production: Lisa
Madigan

Turns out that the news site, DNAinfo, or possibly Illinois
Attorney General Lisa Madigan, was confused about the terms of the
alcopop’s latest slide down the greasy pole. Four Loko limps along
after all.

The
settlement actually allows continued sales of Four Loko, but
limits advertising to college students and underage drinkers,
including a ban on young-looking models in advertisements. Phusion
promises not to suggest that kids mix their product with something
caffeinated either. And the company will pay $400,000 to defray the
cost of the suit.

The decison was forced by a suit from 20 attorneys general.
Let’s pause for a name-and-shame: Thanks Massachusetts, New York,
Arizona, Connecticut, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas,
Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina,
Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, and Washington, plus the
city attorney of San Francisco!

Here’s Phusion Projects President Jim Sloan:

“While our company did not violate any laws and we disagree with
the allegations of the State Attorneys General, we consider this
agreement a practical way to move forward and an opportunity to
highlight our continued commitment to ensuring that our products
are consumed safely and responsibly only by adults 21 and
over.”

Four Loko hasn’t actually been caffeinated since 2010, something
Sloan must be damned tired of pointing out by now. It’s just a can
of not
especially high-proof sugary booze, and has been for a good
while.

Want to feel especially sad? Here the last pathetic little bit
of fight that’s left in the company’s president:

“Phusion continues to believe, however, as do many people
throughout the world, that the combination of alcohol and caffeine
can be consumed safely and responsibly,” Sloan said.

In honor of this obviously true statement, the next time you
stir up an Irish coffee or sip a rum and Coke on a warm night, go
ahead and pour one out for the homies. Four Loko might not be dead
yet, but it’s hard to imagine meddlesome officials will leave this
particular horse alone until it’s well and truly beaten.