Cold Open
(Setting: Trump lying in bed watching TV, wearing Hello Kitty pajamas. In gold bold script above the bed are the words “Best President Ever”.)
Trump: Ivanka, could you come in and read me a story?
(Ivanka enters)
Ivanka: (Aghast) What are you watching!
Trump: It’s an old John Holmes movie, ‘The Real Sword of Damocles’. Great movie. Unbelievable. You know, the producers wanted me for that role.
Ivanka: Dad, I’ve seen your John Thomas, and you’re no John Holmes.
Trump: Who’s John Thomas?
Ivanka: It’s a Brit word for your…..never mind. Why you watching this?
Trump: Since Pravda changed their night time line up, I can’t sleep.
Ivanka: Prav..? You mean Fox.
Trump: Yea, that’s it. Fox. You know I hate using animal words after all that trouble I got in during the campaign talking about small kittens. So unfair!
Ivanka: Well, that’s over.
Trump: Yea, but Melania really bitched at me for that. I had to threaten to trade her in for a younger model and cut off her clothing allowance. So what you reading me?
Ivanka: The Bill of Rights.
Trump: Bill O’Reilly! Love that guy! He still on vacation?
Ivanka: Bill of Rights, Dad. The Bill of Rights.
Trump: Whatever. Start reading, dear. I like the way you move your lips…you know what I mean, like that Jesse Watters said.
Ivanka: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right…….
Trump: Wait! Hold it! What’s this speech and press stuff? Sounds like Fake Rights. Who wrote that?
Ivanka: Well, James Madison and Thomas Jefferson, among others…
Trump: They sound like Bad Hombres. Remind me to get Steve Bannon and Devin Nunes on those two guys. Tap their phones. Follow them. Are they citizens?
Ivanka: Well, technically, when they wrote the thing, I’m not sure the United States was officially a country, so maybe not. I don’t know.
Trump: Good. Deport’em.
Ivanka: But they’re…never mind. What they wrote are basic rights, basic human freedoms.
Trump: Don’t need’em. We got guns. We have the 2nd Amendment. For my supporters, that’s plenty. All that other stuff is just Fake Rights. Noise. Let that stuff go unchallenged and the New York Times will be writing more bad things about me. I hate that. I’m doing an unbelievable job, some people say greatest President ever, and they keep writing bad things. Hashtag So Unfair!
Ivanka: Well, they write about your Tweets, Dad. And those itsy bitsy lies you always tell.
Trump: They’re not lies if my supporters believe them! Anyway, that New York Times is a failing loser.
Ivanka: Actually, their circulation and ad revenue are way up since the November election.
Trump: See? I’m bringing back jobs! Just like I promised!
Ivanka: Whatever.
Trump: Say, what happened to Bill O’Reilly anyway? I turned on Prav….Fox…and I see this Tucker Maddow guy in Bill’s chair. What’s that all about?
Ivanka: It’s Tucker Carlson, Dad. Tucker Carlson.
Trump: Yea. Honest mistake. That little bow-tied weeny is such a wuss. Makes your Jared look like a champion mud wrestler. Have Betsy DeVos’ brother rough him up.
Ivanka: Jared? I do that, Dad.
Trump: No, that Tucker Maddow guy.
Ivanka: Can’t do that, Dad. He has rights.
Trump: I say what rights are! I’m the President. By the way, who was I confusing him with? Maddow something….
Ivanka: That’s Rachel Maddow. She’s on MSNBC.
Trump: She’s a fine looking babe, that Maddow. I could grab me some of that. Put a little of Trump’s Cruise missile at her.
Ivanka: Daddy Dearest, don’t talk about Cruise missiles. You know how that excites me!
Trump: Yea, like when I was sitting with that Chinaman, President Eleven, eating the best chocolate cake, and said to my guys, “Cruises? You’re fired!”
Ivanka: Daddy, don’t talk like that!
Trump: So have that Maddow babe come down to Mar-a-Lago some weekend when my illegal isn’t there.
Ivanka: She’s gay, Dad.
Trump: Melania? I thought she just didn’t like me, staying in New York and all. That explains it!
Ivanka: No, Dad. Rachel Maddow is gay.
Trump: Didn’t I make that illegal? I signed a lot of stuff, you know. Lotta stuff. I’m sure one of them made it illegal.
Ivanka: No, Dad. It’s not illegal.
Trump: Well, get me one of those big binders tomorrow and I’ll sign the thing. Make it illegal. Then get that Maddow babe down to Mar-a-Lago. I’ll show her my John Thomas! Keep reading.
Ivanka: Live from New York; it’s Saturday Night!
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