Proctologists Despair: Researchers Devise a Potential Universal Cancer Test

I know that, like me, many of
you look forward to colonscopies every five years, annual prostate
massages, and the singular excitement of esophageal endoscopy as
ways to check for early signs of cancer. That being the case, it is
my sad duty to report that some researchers at the University of
Bradford believe that they are well on the way to creating a new
universal cancer test. The new blood test involves checking white
blood cells for stress. The more stressed, the more likely the
patient has cancer. As ScienceDaily reports:

The test will enable doctors to rule out cancer in patients
presenting with certain symptoms, saving time and preventing costly
and unnecessary invasive procedures such as colonoscopies and
biopsies being carried out. Alternatively, it could be a useful aid
for investigating patients who are suspected of having a cancer
that is currently hard to diagnose.

Early results have shown the method gives a high degree of
accuracy diagnosing cancer and pre-cancerous conditions from the
blood of patients with melanoma, colon cancer and lung cancer. The
research is published online in FASEB Journal, the US
journal of the Federation of American Societies for Experimental
Biology.

The Lymphocyte Genome Sensitivity (LGS) test looks at white
blood cells and measures the damage caused to their DNA when
subjected to different intensities of ultraviolet light (UVA),
which is known to damage DNA. The results of the empirical study
show a clear distinction between the damage to the white blood
cells from patients with cancer, with pre-cancerous conditions and
from healthy patients.

Sigh. This could be goodbye to
twilight sedation.

But seriously folks, here’s hoping this promising result will
prove out.