The Onion Satirizes Police Brutality

The satirical newspaper The Onion took a
crack at police brutality with a story headlined “New
Law Enforcement Robot Can Wield Excessive Force Of 5 Human
Officers.” A handful of the new robots can do the work of a
whole precinct:

The tactical robotic units, known as the AP-12, are reportedly
equipped with on-board mechanisms to target both criminals and
innocent bystanders, and possess a variety of retractable
instruments that allow them to effortlessly subdue and restrain up
to four individuals at once. According to sources, just a dozen of
the new robots will be able to collectively carry out the physical
and psychological abuse typically spread out amongst the officers
of an entire precinct.

The robo-cop’s got furtive movements down:

“In many ways, these robots’ actions are indistinguishable from
those of our brave men and women in uniform,” McClintock added.

According to its designers, the AP-12 is outfitted with numerous
features that make it ideal for abruptly resorting to extreme
measures, including a highly sensitive motion detector that
perceives most gestures as an act of resistance necessitating
physical force.

And panic firing:

Engineers say the robot is also equipped with a sophisticated
audio command program that recognizes and subsequently ignores such
phrases as “Stop” and “I give up” and is programmed to apply
pressure to a prostrate suspect’s neck with a force of up to 500
PSI both before and after he’s stopped moving. Its operating system
is also reportedly loaded with advanced visual recognition software
that allows the robot to identify nearly any object in the
subject’s hand as a weapon, prompting it to rapidly empty the clip
on its extendable .40-caliber firearm.

And for those good cops worried about bad apples, the robot cop
won’t let itself be made out into one:

After doing so, the machine is configured to automatically place
a pistol on or near the disabled suspect while wirelessly
corroborating fabricated details of the confrontation with any
other on-scene units well ahead of a potential internal affairs
investigation.

Read about the rest of the
features here, and Reason on the actual incidences of
police brutality that make this the best kind of satire,
believable, here.

h/t Jason J.