Latest Excuse for Overwrought College Campus Lockdowns: Umbrellas!

Students at California State
University – San Marcos are safe from a guy carrying a rifle across
campus, thanks to a SWAT team and a 30-minute lockdown. Wait, no.
They are safe from an umbrella. The man wasn’t carrying a gun. He
was carrying an umbrella. ABC10 in San Diego told the story and

interviewed the non-mass-murderer:

[Bill] Craig was the person – reported as being suspicious –
they had been looking for. The person was described as a white
male, wearing a black shirt and jeans and walking across campus
carrying a rifle.

He says he knew it was him the second the alert went out.

“I was certain,” said Craig. “It could have certainly been
someone else. I mean, I’m not the only tall, bald guy here, but it
fit me to a tee.”

At that same time, classrooms began sheltering in place.

“They immediately … the doors locked and then they took all the
chairs and all the tables and barricaded the doors,” said junior
James Collins. “People were kind of freaked out and you could tell
that there was a nervous tension.”

He was confronted and held at gunpoint by sheriff’s deputies
while they determined that he was not, in fact, the Penguin, there
with some sort of deadly scheme to finally kill off Batman.

You have to admit, though, there’s something a little suspicious
about carrying an umbrella around in California. We’re having our
worst drought ever!

Elsewhere in our constantly panic-stricken country, a college
student is getting a slap on the on the wrist from the courts for
terrorizing Central Connecticut State University. His crime:

wearing a ninja costume with a sword on campus a couple of days
after Halloween, causing another campus lockdown and a SWAT
response. He actually had no intent of terrorizing anybody and will
have his charges dismissed if he completes his probation without
launching any further ninja team assaults at other colleges.

And while I was writing this, an “active
shooter” incident was reported at Fort Lee in Virginia, and the
installation is on lockdown.

(Hat tip to Ken)