A Hunger Inside You: Your Vibrator Can Now Update You On The Status Of Your Food Delivery

At some point in the future, the human race will arrive at an epoch where people will wonder how – back in the stone age of pre-2021 – we would get status alerts about our food deliveries, without having a dildo inside of us.

Allow us to explain. That’s because a company called CamSoda labs has just released a new product called “Grubuzz”, which – according to the company’s website (we swear we are not making this up)  – “harnesses the power of Internet-connected sex toys – aka teledildonics – and sends clitoral vibrations to people as their takeout food from a national chain or local favorite is being prepared and ultimately delivered.”

As if the serotonin hit from the poison we call takeout food nowadays wasn’t enough…

Naturally, you’re wondering how it works. “The frequency of vibrations increase through the food delivery process,” the site patiently explains. “So, for example, the vibration frequency starts slowly when someone’s order is received by the restaurant and progressively increases when the driver leaves the restaurant with the order, drives closer to their residence, arrives at their door, etc.”

 

Daryn Parker, Vice President of CamSoda, said (with a straight face, we’re guessing): “People have been stuck at home for over a year now. They have grown accustomed to ordering takeout food from their favorite restaurants regularly. Quarantine cravings are real and so too is the COVID-19 delivery food boom.”

“In addition to the rise in food delivery, there has been a spike in teledildonic usage,” he said. We’d love to see the Softbank-style slide deck for this pitch.

He continued: “Here at CamSoda we figured we’d combine these popular activities and produce a technology that gets people off while their food delivery order is being prepared and ultimately delivered. With Grubuzz, not only will your mouth be watering while your order is being processed, but so too will your private parts. What better way to eat some of your favorite food from Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Outback Steakhouse or P.F. Chang’s than after you’ve orgasmed?!”

The site explains:

Users will obtain a curated email address from CamSoda, which they will then plug into their favorite delivery apps, including GrubHub, Uber Eats, Caviar, DoorDash and Postmates, among others. When an email is sent from their delivery app updating them on the status of their order, it will be sent to the CamSoda-generated email, which will simultaneously set off a vibration to their teledildonic device.

And sorry guys, “CamSoda is initially launching Grubuzz for females only,” the site says. Back to ordering food like its the stone age, we guess.