Getting the State Out of Marriage: New at Reason

We recently got married. Well, technically, we got married twice.

One fine day this spring, we put on nice clothes and publicly performed the rites and rituals recognized by our families and community as a wedding ceremony. As part of the day’s events, we signed a Ketubah, the traditional Jewish wedding contract. Historically, the Ketubah included the groom’s promise to provide “food, clothing, the necessities of life, and conjugal needs” for the bride, along with a statement of the dowry the bride brought to the marriage. Modern versions are often more egalitarian. Ours included a mutual promise to “work for one another,” “live with one another,” and “build together a household of integrity.” Ketubot are typically beautifully calligraphed works of art, and we spent a lot of time choosing the right text and design for ours. It was witnessed by our rabbi and by two beloved friends. It hangs in our bedroom as a reminder of the commitment we have made to each other.

We also got married in the eyes of the law. Our state marriage license was printed at the city-county building on cheap paper after the clerk checked our IDs, filled our names into the anonymous blanks in the same text every other couple has to use, and gave us a pamphlet about syphilis. We had no say in the wording or the witnesses. We keep that license in the safe deposit box at the bank with our mortgage and the titles to our cars.

The contrast in the thinking behind our two marriage documents, and in how we have treated them now that we have them, captures the difference between thinking of marriage as a mutual contract and thinking of it as a license from the state. It’s the difference between a relationship that requires consent and one that requires permission, write Steve Horwitz and Sara Skwire.

View this article.