School: ‘Halloween Snacks Shall Contain No More Than 8 Grams of Total Fat’

If you were thinking of dressing your kid
like a pirate, handing him a foil sword, and sending him to school
with a bag full of Twix, you’d better pencil in some time for a
talk with the principal. Here are the Halloween guidelines from a
school somewhere in the U.S. (The mom who forwarded them asked me
not to name it, to protect the guilty, obsessive-compulsive
killjoys.) The note begins:

Halloween is an exciting time for children and is always a
special day at [redacted]. To ensure that we are not shortchanging
our academic time, we have found it helpful to modify our day.

God forbid the school shortchange academics one day a year!

COSTUMES

As you plan your child’s Halloween costume,  you must
consider the district’s Zero Tolerance Policy.  Imitation
weapons, no matter how benign, are not allowed — this includes
things like neon-colored guns, plastic swords/lightsabers, and
rubber knives…. This measure reflects the district’s commitment
to the “Zero Tolerance for Guns Act” from the Safe Schools
Initiative.

Actually, it seems to reflect the school’s Zero Tolerance for
Fantasy Act.

FOOD GUIDELINES

It is recommended that food and beverages provided by parents to
be shared with classmates comply with the dietary standards listed
below. Foods of minimal nutritional value cannot be
distributed.

*Snacks and beverages shall contain no more than 8 grams of
total fat, no more than 2 grams saturated fat, and no more than .5
grams of trans fat.

*Beverages limited to 100% juice, milk or water.

*Whole milk in 8 oz container.

SAFETY TIPS FOR HALLOWEEN

We will be having a Halloween safety assembly with a member of
our [] police department.

And there you have it: perhaps the scariest Halloween on record,
because it synthesizes every terrible trend in American kiddie
culture to date. 1). Believing that there is a link between make
believe and violence. (Really, how many Halloween pirates go on to
commit terror on the high seas?) 2). Believing the way to keep kids
healthy is to obsess about every gram of fat they ingest.  3).
Thinking that one day of crazy sugar fun is somehow going to set
kids on the road to ruin, physically, morally, and nutritionally.
 4). Pretending that one day of academic disruption will have
any impact whatsoever on the kids’ education. 5). Calling in the
authorities to teach kids how to enjoy a holiday that kids have
enjoyed for generations without a safety assembly beforehand.

As for the mom who
sent me this note, she says: “I’m all for healthy foods &
snacks, but we’re talking Halloween here! Isn’t the point of
Halloween eating candy with “minimal nutritional value”? And would
anyone keel over if they drank 10 oz of whole milk (God
forbid)?”

They might—if they weren’t already dead from a fatal foil sword
wound.