On Monday afternoon, I received an email from a PR firm that I thought was a fake. It began:
Please see here for the fun Schoolhouse Rock-style cartoon theme song for the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit that Chief Judge Kimberly A. Moore played at their Judiciary Conference on Fri. in Washington. The crowd seemed to enjoy, and it does a good job of explaining the court.
For starters, I have spent several year ripping Moore for her stealth impeachment of Judge Pauline Newman. What brilliant PR flack put me on the distribution list? But then I clicked on the link and realized the video was in fact real. Moore actually retained a PR firm to publicize a cartoon theme song that she apparently commissioned.
I didn’t think it was possible, but Moore has given Neal Katyal a run for most cringey YouTube video in recent memory. This video was clearly generated by AI. And I would wager AI also composed the lyrics and generated the vocal tracks. Everything about this video is fake. And it is awful.
Try to watch it without wincing. I’ve downloaded the video, in the likely event they take it down.
Given the standard applied to Judge Newman, this colossal error in judgment by Chief Judge Moore should warrant some sort of cognitive evaluation. How could she possibly think this was a good idea–so good to hire a PR firm to publicize it? Chief Justice Roberts, if you’re reading, take away her cases, immediately. Hell, this video is so bad, Judge Moore may have failed to serve during “good behaviour.”
After the jump, I’ll break down this ridiculous feature, line-by-line.
The opening scene has a monkey riding a rocket ship. There is no explanation. A monkey is riding a rocket ship. Too bad they didn’t include Judge Moore jumping over some sharks, like Fonzie on Happy Days.
Well, it started with a law back in 82. Federal Court’s Improvement Act came through. Congress said, “We need a brand new way to bring some consistency to cases every day.” They merged some courts. Made a brand new seat, a national court with a special beat. Not by region, not by state, but by subject matter, keeping ruling straight.
Next, we see President Reagan signing the Federal Courts Improvement Act of 1982. I’m not quite sure who those other two people are. Tip O’Neil on the left? No clue who the person on the right is. AI tends to hallucinate people. Do you know what else President Reagan signed: Judge Pauline Newman’s commission, which Kimberly Moore has tried to wipe out of existence.
Get ready for the chorus.
Oh, I’m the Federal Circuit. Hear me say. I handle special cases from across the USA. patents, claims, and veterans appeals. International trade and government deals.
Yes, there are three ethnically diverse singers who dance and twirl about the Federal Circuit’s jurisdiction.
Next, we get to the conflict.
When inventors say, “Hey, that’s mine.” I review those patents and draw the line. If it’s trademarks too I’m in the mix, making sure the law stays uniform and fixed.
A mad scientist is fighting over some machine with a bearded man, who looks like a younger (and redder) Alexander Graham Bell.
There is also a man is confused about the difference between Starbeans and Starbeens.
Then there is a music interlude. I kid you not. Ronald Reagan leads a conga line, followed by one of the ethnically diverse singers, a scientist holding a beaker, a park ranger, and Uncle Sam.
Again, an Article III judge had to sign off on this idea, and hired a PR firm to publicize it. Things get worse.
I really wish they would leave Uncle Sam out of this travesty, but he isn’t free yet. Now Uncle Sam is used to illustrate the jurisdiction of the Court of Federal Claims.
From the court of federal claims, you’ll see our appeals come up the chain to me.
And she drags the troops into this quagmire:
Veterans seeking benefits fair. I review each case with thoughtful care.
The greatest generation didn’t storm the Omaha Beach for the federal government to publish this slop.
The park ranger and scientist return, joined by a man in uniform with a headset, and a letter carrier. 
Federal workers bring their cases along. From board rulings, I decide right from wrong.
The Titanic had a better fate than this Transatlantic journey.
And if trade crosses oceans wide, I help decide what rules apply.
We’re back to the twirling chorus singing the bridge.
Oh, I’m the federal circuit. Hear me say. I handle special cases from across the USA. Patents, claims, and veterans are appeals. International trade and government deals.
If you’ve made it this far, I apologize for what comes next.
Now, you might ask, who wears the robe? who gets to judge cases we know. The president picks. That’s how it’s done.
Chief Judge Moore created an AI version of herself shaking hands with George W. Bush. There is so much wrong with this picture. For starters, it never happened. President Bush took a famous photo op with his first batch of circuit nominees, including John Roberts, Jeff Sutton, and Miguel Estrada. But Bush did not make this a regular habit. And he certainly did not announce Moore’s nomination in 2006 with any fanfare.
The bigger problem is this AI looks nothing like Chief Judge Moore. Let’s just say she had an AI-glow up. Her long blonde hair is flawless, her suit is perfectly tailored around her waist, and her makeup is on point. This is how I remember Judge Moore when she taught at George Mason circa 2006. I usually would not opine on a person’s appearance, but when an AI video is commissioned, there must have been some sort of approval process for the look.
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It gets worse. We go to the Senate.
Then the Senate confirms each one.
In case you can’t tell, the nominee is actually singing the lyrics of the song, with the Senators sitting behind him.
They serve for life to stay independent and fair. Applying the law with the utmost care.
They serve for life, of course, unless Judge Moore decides to take away all their cases.
Get ready for the chorus. But our twirling dancers are gone. Instead, Judge Moore twirls. I wish I were joking.
It starts with a group shot. Notice something is missing here?
There are 12 active judges on the court, including Newman. So this group of 16 oddly excludes one active judge (Newman) but includes 5 senior judges. But there are currently 19 total judges (active, including Newman + senior). So it is excluding Newman and two other judges. Judge Jay Plager appears to be one of those senior judges being excluded (who apparently also gets no cases assigned to him by Moore but isn’t fighting it). I can’t quite figure out who the third ‘missing’ judge is but I would be curious to know. All of the female judges other than Newman are accounted for. Phew. Chief Judge Moore apparently feels free to include or exclude judges from the bench as she sees fit! She wants to remove Pauline Newman from existence. Again, this was a conscience choice. Unless Harvey AI knew that Judge Moore would not be happy to see Judge Newman, and excluded the nonagenarian.
The NCLA, which represents Judge Newman, had a brilliant response:
It gets worse. Judge Moore jumps off the bench and starts dancing with another judge.
This is far more disturbing than any memes Alex Kozinski ever shared.
The judge at the end makes the Taylor Swift heart hands thing (I think it is supposed to be Kara Farnandez Stoll.)
Seriously, it gets worse.
A disco ball comes down, the Judges whip out glow sticks, and they start a Federal Circuit rave.
Oh, I’m the Federal Circuit. Hear me say. I handle special cases from across the USA. Patents, claims, and veterans appeals. International trade and government deals.
Sadly, they couldn’t leave Uncle Sam out of this one last time.
Yeah, that’s the law. Stay uniform, America.
I have no more words. Please, no more cringey YouTube videos. I can’t handle anymore. You’re welcome. The things I do for my country.
The post Chief Judge Moore Commissions Bizarre AI Cartoon About The Federal Circuit Without Judge Newman appeared first on Reason.com.
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